If You Recall from Our Last Episode,
The Pumpkin Caught in the Tree
Required a Little Hammock to Protect Its Stalk.
(Here It Rests Comfortably)
I Believe Him to Be
One of Those Two-Hundred Pound Mammoths
That Mr. Bitterman Insisted on Buying This Year
As He Wanted a Jack-O-Lantern
That "Made a Statement."
(Well, Hernia or Not, HE'S the One
Who Is Going to Be Hefting
This Sunzabitch Around Come October.)
Bitterman Has Also Taken to Sowing Fries Along the Sidewalk,
All in the Hopes of Attracting New "Crow Buddies" to the Yard.
(Thank God He's Not Thinking That Sowing These Would Reap Potatoes.
We'd Have to Get Him Into One of Those Presidential Cognitive Tests.)
("That, my good sir, is an Elly-font!")
One of the Crows is Spelling Out Words in the Fries.
With this "Ey!" We're Starting to Call Him "The Fonz."
Here is The Fonz,
Beginning His Daily Message to Mr. Bitterman.
It Has Progressed Beyond "Ey,"
To Chemical Formulas Necessary for Nuclear Fusion.
We Might Be Onto Something Here.
Meanwhile, Everything is Growing
At a High Rate of Speed.
The Pumpkins Had to Be Cut Back
As They Were Blocking the Water
From Everybody Else.
And, We've Got a Beautiful Collection of Cucumbers Going.
(Not That You Can See Them.)
Wait a Minute. Oh, There They Are ...
(I Keep Losing Them Among the Ornamental Squash.)
Onto the Garden!
There Comes a Time
For Each and Every Backyard Farmer
When Imagination Takes the Lead
Over Sweat and Worry
And Knocking Hailstones Aside with a Jack Kramer/Wilson Tennis Racket
One of the Pumpkins Decided
To Shoot a Frond Through the Neighboring Pine Tree
Which Left Us With a Baby Pumpkin
About 2 Feet Off the Ground
With The Wrap from an Old Hose
And a Couple of Bungees,
I Made the Little Guy a Hammock.
Now, if He Turns Out to Be
One of the 200 Pound
We'll Have to Re-Think
Some of the Borage is Doing Nicely.
While Others are Being
By Voles and Pumpkin Vines.
Today, the Game Became
"Do We Have Any Cucumbers?"
The Answer, After Some Searching,
Yes, Mr. Cuke is in There.
Just Try to Find Him.
And, While You're At It,
You Might Want to Find
He Enlisted Becky to Help
With the Weeding,
Leaving Her to It.
He Re-Appeared an Hour Later,
With His Fingers Covered with Orange
Eating All the Cheesy-Poofs
Left Out for the Crow Buddies.
As For Mr. Bitterman,
He's Hiding Out Somewhere
In the Butterfly Garden.
He Wants Nothing to Do With Any Of Us.
(He's Convinced the Pumpkin Hammock Was His Idea)
(Patent Applied for, US Pat Off. 27941)
In Our Last Episode,
We Investigated the Jungle of Nora,
Where Pumpkin Leaves the Size Of
Brazilian Gunnera Manicata Leaves Grow.
With That In Mind,
Professor Michael King
Decided to Perform an Experiment:
Releasing an Ill-Tempered Sphinx Cat
Into One End of the Garden
In Order to See Where He Came Out.
When He Does,
We'll Let You Know.
And Professor King
Can Climb In
To Find All the Little Surprises Said Cat Has Left Behind.
The Creature in Question:
(Note the Condition of the Top Sheet)
Meanwhile, While the Cat Was Away,
The Beans Took Off.
We've Got a Great Crop of Green Beans
Among the Acorn Squash …
… And, the Beginnings of Acorn Squash Among the Green Beans.
With That in Mind,
We Also Made Our First Harvest Today
They're Real Beans,
But They're Wax.
Not Like Paraffin Wax,
But Wax Beans.
Not Like The Wax Fruit Grandma
Had in the Bowl on Her Dining Room Table
That You Ate and Barfed for a Full Afternoon,
But Real Wax Beans.
(Oh, for God's Sake, Ignore the Wax Part!)
And, Young Otis Gumpox Has Decided to Stick Around Here
And Pick Up Where Furious Left Off.
He Pretends to Drink Martini's
With the Bat Shit Crazy Neighbors.
Then, He Excuses Himself,
And Steals All Their Toilet Paper.
Well, At Least Now We Know
Who Has Been Eating
All the Figs.
The Instructions on a Pack of Pumpkin Seeds
Called for Me (Hereafter Known as "The Farmer")
To Thin the Seedlings Soon After Emergence.
I Couldn't Do It.
They Worked so Hard to Grow Out of the Soil
That I Had to Give Them All
A Chance to Thrive.
And Thrive They Have.
The Little Bastards Have Essentially Taken Over the Lower Garden
(Hereafter, known as "Nora")
And Pushed Everything Off Into a Space
The Size of a Rhode Island Postage Stamp.
Cucumbers and Beans are Currently Fighting for Sunshine
While the Pumpkin Vines are Reaching Over
Into Other Gardens and Need Serious Redirection.
(And, Look! We've Got a Pumpkin!)
The "Surprise Pumpkin" in All of This
Continues to Take Over the East Side of the Small Garden
(Hereafter known as "Asta")
And Threaten The Health and Well-being
Hatch Green Chile Plants.
Once again, I should have Pulled This Sucker
But I Simply Didn't Have the Heart.
About the Only Plants Not Affected
By the Continual Advance of the 200-lb Pumpkin Plants
The Sweet Potatoes
The Purple Petite Potatoes
(Hereafter known as "Basil Rathbone")
"Basil Rathbone" (Seen Above). Just Returned from His Triumphant
Tour of the North Counties
"Sherlock Holmes and the Hound of the Basketballs."
The One Potted Plant
That Couldn't Seem to Outrun Pumpkin Clutches
The Pumpkin Threads were Using
The Garlic Sprouts
To Pull Themselves Across to the Tomato Patch.
It's Like Watching A Vegetable
Version of "Invasion of the Body Snatchers."
(It's Odd, Because Furious George Argues that The Body Snatchers
Are, in fact, Vegetables. He Tried to Order Some Pod Seeds from
O'Toole's, but Got Turned Away.)
(They're on Back Order with the Big Box Stores --
Seems There's Been Quite a Run on Pod People in Washington.)
How The Garlic Escaped All This, I Just Don't Know.
In The Upper Garden
(Hereafter known as Nick -- or "Neeeck" as Young Otis Gumpox Calls It)
We've Got Slowly Growing Tomato Plants
That Are Receiving Special Attention.
And Some Slowwwwly Growing Plants That Require
Special Dispensation from The Vatican.
(Becky and Mr. Bitterman Have Been Adding Egg Shells
And Coffee Grounds for the Spindly 'Maters
In the Hopes That They'll Think It's Breakfast and Wake Up.)
On the Other Hand,
The Acorn Squash Have
And Are Growing Well
Thanks to Regular Miracle Gro Liquid Feedings.
Lately, We've Had a Family of "Crow Buddies"
Visiting 2-4 Times Daily.
They're Not Bothering the Gardens,
But Have Loved the Cheez-It
We've Left Out For Them Daily.
Young Otis Gumpox (Just Off Stage Left in This Picture)
Has Been Trying All Afternoon
To Convince the Crows to Share
So Far, No Joy.
Dear Kellogg's: If Anyone There in Battle Creek Would Like to Send a Year's Supply of Cheez-It Baked Snack Crackers in Order to Save The Bank Account of A Poor Backyard Farmer, You Can Reach Me Through The Comments Section of this Here Blog.
Personally Endorsed by Young Otis Gumpox.