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So, What Survived?

9/17/2020

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Well, After the Frost, Which Was Not Quite the
KILLER
Freeze the Weather Guy Had Predicted, 
We Went Out Back and Pulled the Tarps.
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I Was Very Pleasantly Surprised.
Everything Seemed to Survive,
(With the Exception of One Pot of Coleus Out Front.)
Helped Along, No Doubt, by the Heavy Layers of 
Pumpkin Leaves Growing Everywhere Out of Nora. (Right)
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The Chiles did Beautifully, 
the Moisture Even Reviving a Few Plants
I Had Given Up for Toast.
You Gotta Love Nature.
Life Will Find a Way.
​

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We're Even Seeing Some New Growth Here
After a Fairly Comprehensive Harvest Two Weeks Ago.
(We Seem to Be Growing Some Bricks as Well)
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The Covered Pumpkins Seemed to Do Well.
We've Got Two Hidden in the Pine Tree.
(We Harvested Bungee Buddy)
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As You Can See,
​(Well, Maybe You Can't)
They're Doing Quite Well.
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Huey, Dewey and Louie Were All Carefully Moved
To Nora, Where They Were Covered.
And Where They Survived.
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Also Surviving,
The Sweet Potatoes
(Petite Purples Were Harvested by Furious George)
And the Multi-Variety Basil.

(What I Did Enjoy About the Freeze Was Fining Flash Frozen Japanese Beetles on the Basil.)
(Take That, You Little Beasts!)

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Also, Tomatoes Survived. We're Still Not
Getting Much
In the Way of Harvest on the Big Tomatoes.
Once Again, Bitterman is Convinced That
It's Soil.
We're Going to Have to Test and Renew It Over the Winter
With Money That Will Have to Be Found Somewhere.
​
"Gold Doubloons and Pieces of Eight,
Now Belong to Applegate ..."

Maybe I Should Get Frank and Joe Hardy On It.
They're Always Looking for a New Mystery.
​
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As for the Garden Help, We're Not Sure What Caused the Argument Seen Above, but I'm Sure It Had Something to Do with Furious George Nailing the Frost Blankets Down with Railroad Spikes, Rather Than the Incredibly Expensive "Little Gardener Frost Blanket Extra Flimsy Nail Down Thingies" Mr. Bitterman had Ordered Specially for the Frost Event. 

Meanwhile, Young Otis Gumpox is Putting the Final Touches on His "Mechanical Chimp" Impersonation for the Next Kindergarten Virtual Zoom Class. He Appeared Last Week Fresh Out of the Shower, Wearing Only a Towel and the Teacher Fainted Dead Away.
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An Ill Wind Blows ...

9/8/2020

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Remember the Other Day?
Like, three days ago,
When it was only 101-degrees?
Then, 97?
Then 91?
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Well, Today it is 39.
With Low Tonight of 28.
What One of the Local Weather Jockeys
LOVES to Call:
"A Killer Frost! Did you Hear What I Said?
KILLER!
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Which is Par for the Course in Colorado.
We've Had this Happen Before.
It Will Happen Again, and, Likely, More Often, Given Climate Change.

And, So, We Covered Everything
With 9x25x2 Tarps
From Amazon,
(Who Now, Pretty Much, Own My Life)
And We Harvested Everything We Could.

Will the Late Tomatoes Make It Through
"The Killer Frost?"
Lord only Knows.​

(Though, Once We Had the Plastic Sheeting in Place,
Fighting the Wind Every Step of the Way,
The Weather Noodge Told Us to Use "Breathable" Tarps.

There is No Winning with These Folks.
(I Think They Wait to Tell Us These Things
Because They Have a  Kickback Deal With Amazon.)
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We Harvested Everything that Even Looked Close,
From Petite Purple Potatoes 

To Hatch Chiles (68 now and Counting!)
A Few Tomatoes
(They're Still Slow)
And a Few Last Cukes and Acorn Squash.

And, of Course,
Ten Quadzillion Pumpkins

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You May Recall the "Bungee Baby"
Who Was Growing Through the Limbs of the Pine Tree?
He Had Turned Bright Orange
So We Saved Him From a Frozen Fate.
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He's the Bright Orange Pumpkin
In the Upper Left
Of This Photo.
(Had to Save Him!)
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I'm Hoping We Get More,
Especially From the Tomatoes,
But We'll Have to See.


It Has Been One Short and Screwy Season
Down on the Farm.
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Speaking of Tomatoes,
It Seems that Young Otis Gumpox
Has Been Tasting All the Red Ones He Finds
To Make Sure They're Ripe.

We Spent An Afternoon Explaining to Him Why
This Was Not a Proper
Attitude in Backyard Farming
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Not a Single One
of the Garden Guard Dogs
Bothered to Step in
And Stop Otis From Eating the Tomatoes.

I'm Not Sure
What Deal They've Cut
But It Must Be Something Good

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Furious George Had the Bright Idea of Buying
A "Little Firebug Just My Size Flame Thrower."
He Decided to Sit Under the Plastic and Touch It Off
Whenever the Temp Got
​A Little Too Chilly for the Plants.

It Was a Great Idea,
Even Through We Had to Cut Him Out of a Well-Sealed Package
Of Plastic Wrap
Come Tuesday Morning.

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As for Mr. Bitterman, He Was Momentarily Upset
With Furious and the Flame Thrower,
But Seeing that His Drunken Assistant
Was Suddenly Vacuum-Packed,
Wanted to Leave Him Til
Spring, When We Could Open Furious "Fresh."

We Couldn't Do It.
They'' Just Have to Learn to Get Along
And Watch Each Other's Shows
in the Basement all Winter.

At the Moment it's Between "Love Island" and "The Donna Reed Show."


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Also, While We Did Turn
The Main Sprinklers Off,
We Forgot to Check the Line
To Our Stalin "Little Dictator"
Water Feature.
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It Not Only Froze Uncle Joe,
But Frizzed his Hair
And Made Him Look
Suspiciously 
Like
Albert Einstein.

Now, If You'll Excuse Me,
I've Got to Start
The Gas Grill
With Furious George's Flame Thrower.


See You Next Week.
Likely, From High in a Tree
In the Next County.
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    Greg Moody is the long-time Critic-at-Large in Denver, CO. He has developed a love of raised bed gardening with the help of his simian assistant, Mr. Bitterman.

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