Mr. Bitterman's Garden
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Well, It's About Damned Time

1/21/2018

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​Just when we thought January was going to be as dry as December, which was as dry as November, which was as dry as October, we finally got some moisture around here. The compost and the fertilizer should work themselves nicely into Nick, the upper garden.


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​​It's very pretty and incredibly beneficial, as we're well below the necessary snow pack totals for the season. The mountains are getting it as well, which is great, unless you're trying to drive I-70 in any one of 85 different directions, all depending on the quality of your tires.
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​(All morning long, I've been listening to weather folks saying, "just as I predicted," which is my very favorite weather folks phrase, even above and beyond, "RUN FOR THE HILLS! THE DAM HAS BUSTED!" when there aren't really any dams around here. A few damns, but no dams. Well, there's that one, The South Fork Dam, just up the road, but it's part of the South Fork Hunting and Fishing Club, which is a private club owned and run by 1% Titans of Industry, Henry Clay Frick, Andrew Carnegie and the like, but they have assured us that they are always maintaining the damn dam and the Little Conemaugh will not sweep away our garden gnomes, or gardens, or homes, or lives. And if you can't believe the people with all the money, who can you believe?)

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​The biggest worry, of course, are low water levels, which can lead to very a bad wild fire season and tight water restrictions. I'm already making plans to plan and plant for maximum water savings, and to avoid as much waste as possible. If we're growing it, it has to be used.
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"Hello ..."
"Hello ..."
"Hello ..."
Hello!

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​With that in mind, I may put off my purchase and build of a Stalin Bust sprinkler. First, I can't imagine that it would be very efficient. But then, as I was calling to order, a shadowy government agency broke in to let me know that I would be of particular interest to them if I went through with the purchase. I let it go and decided to go for the four top of Marx and Lenin. The government let me get it because I told them it was Groucho and John, not Karl and Vladimir. I think I might have been talking to one of the Trump boys, as they seemed very happy when I told them that my new "Donald" water feature had just arrived. As soon as the snow melts, I'll hook it up and try it out. It should give me an incredible volume of spew.
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​​Some are telling me it's rude, but somehow, I think it's a good likeness.
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​Til next time!
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    Greg Moody is the long-time Critic-at-Large in Denver, CO. He has developed a love of raised bed gardening with the help of his simian assistant, Mr. Bitterman.

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